Quahog Crime Spree Continues Unabated

  • Obviously ironic as John Mayer is beloved
  • Part of acne related crime spree

A string of acne related crimes has disrupted the relative peace of our beloved Quahog. Following the break-in at Goldman’s Pharmacy Monday night in which the towns entire supply of acne medication was destroyed and the sexual assault of Bachelorette star Brooke Roberts at the residence of the Griffin family (of Spooner Street) graffiti has now been found on the exterior wall of the Quahog Mini-Mart.

A picture taken moments after the graffiti event seems to implicate student Chris Griffin with the crime. We reached out to Chris for comment. Chris admits to being on the scene at the time of the crime but insists it was the work of his friend “Doug” the pimple.  The Rory Balls Report has not yet been able to verify Doug’s existence.

With the end to the terror seemingly nowhere in sight we reached out to the Quahog Police Department and spoke with Officer Joe Swanson.  Ofc. Swanson was careful to relate to us that he could not comment on an ongoing investigation but believes these crimes are related and that he has the evidence to put Chris Griffin away for a long, long time.

Since Chris Griffin is a minor the Quahog Police Department has refused officially to name a suspect but trust us, that fat little S.O.B. did it.

Local Spanker Caught with Pants Down

  • Dooley “Her pants were down”.
  • A Local Laotion “The Hills are a redneck menace”.

Local public school spanker, Peggy Hill, was back in the news today after exposing herself to a group of seventh grade students at Tom Landry Middle School Friday afternoon.

Readers may remember Mrs. Hill from a spanking scandal last fall when local honor student Stuart Dooley received the harsh punishment from the substitute Spanish teacher, Hill, after a misunderstanding during class.

Hill has also been linked to a plagiarism case involving her son Bobby Hill, a student of the same school.  As of yet it is unknown why Mrs. Hill exposed herself to the classroom but the Rory Balls Report has obtained cell phone pictures of the incident from an anonymous student that leaves little room for doubt.

We reached out to Principal Carl Moss who expressed his regret for the incident and that Mrs. Hill was sent home pending investigation but refused to comment further. As of this time Peggy Hill has not been available for comment.

This is a developing story and the Rory Balls Report will update this article when more information becomes available.