Quahog Crime Spree Continues Unabated

  • Obviously ironic as John Mayer is beloved
  • Part of acne related crime spree

A string of acne related crimes has disrupted the relative peace of our beloved Quahog. Following the break-in at Goldman’s Pharmacy Monday night in which the towns entire supply of acne medication was destroyed and the sexual assault of Bachelorette star Brooke Roberts at the residence of the Griffin family (of Spooner Street) graffiti has now been found on the exterior wall of the Quahog Mini-Mart.

A picture taken moments after the graffiti event seems to implicate student Chris Griffin with the crime. We reached out to Chris for comment. Chris admits to being on the scene at the time of the crime but insists it was the work of his friend “Doug” the pimple.  The Rory Balls Report has not yet been able to verify Doug’s existence.

With the end to the terror seemingly nowhere in sight we reached out to the Quahog Police Department and spoke with Officer Joe Swanson.  Ofc. Swanson was careful to relate to us that he could not comment on an ongoing investigation but believes these crimes are related and that he has the evidence to put Chris Griffin away for a long, long time.

Since Chris Griffin is a minor the Quahog Police Department has refused officially to name a suspect but trust us, that fat little S.O.B. did it.